Date: 21 October 2022
Place: JHB-Bryanston
Heading: Long Time Coming
Part one
Welp Hello look whose back?!
It’s amaze me that after I run out of sleep today at 2am with my TV on with a sentence “are you still watching’? I mean duh! These smart TV's ae strange. Anyway it’s 2am in the morning, this morning lol and the first thing that comes to mind it a podcast I listened to early in a day from Abbi Jacobson where she talks about the book, she wrote about on her road trip from New York to Los Angelou.
You might ask who’s this Abbi Jacobson and why is she your inspiration well Abbi Lee Jacobson as I like to call her is a 38-year-old woman from America who’s a Jewish Descendent, a brilliant writer whose also an actress. Earlier in a day I came across her Book titled “I Might Regret This” So I find myself in the early morning hours going through YouTube trying to find out HOW TO DOWNLOADE A BOOK ON YOUR IPHONE!!! Okay you can go a head and say it I am already saying it. A Christian who’s a pirate lol trust me I already feel GUILTY, but I needed to read this book and it’s not like I can fall asleep again. So, I download this book and I start ready and as I continue reading, I can’t help but see myself through this woman chapter by chapter am experience myself through. That pushed me to find myself updating my blog after 2 years of writing anything.
Abbi speaks about her heartbreak after she broke up with her partner and how she fell apart and started to close herself off again. That passage in that chapter took me to a place I never wanted to get back too. As you have not known but I am product of rejection. My father who was a pastor divorced my mother then I guess me as the same time, because I then find myself being raised by a single mom with no sigh of my father at all. I don’t even a collection of him being present in my life as by then I was 2-month-old when the separation started. In my young years I’ve never felt any gap of not having a father because I had nothing to compare that feeling too it was just unknown to me. As am crowing up being exposed to lot of things I stared noticing my life is different from other children my age. Anyway, that Is story on its own and one day I will write about it. I must give it to my mom for being such a wonderful mom she never revealed to me the kind of Man my father was until I was old enough to hear about the horrors he brought to my mom and her family. Things like being abusive and actual buying/paying bad guys to kill every one of her family including me and excluding my grandmother because he has this love for my grandmother that no one seems to understand, anyway to cut the sad story short the people he bought to commit the crime one of the man was an orphan that was rained by my grandmother in his younger age when my grandma find him by the road and that how my family including myself was spare, because of a kindness my grandma showed to a stranger saved all our lives we received the same kindness in TEN fold
By now you understand why am saying I am product of rejection probably not a nice way to call oneself but for the sake of this Blog let just run with it plus I still feel that whenever someone mistreat me and I will be like hear it is again especially when it done by people whom you have trusted with your life, it’s a paralyzing feeling that has made me built this surviving mechanism that I have perfected over the years. I keep to myself I have one best friend and few friends that I know
that I also keep at arm’s length to keep myself safe, because life showed me the worst side of the world at an early age. I remember when I was doing grade 2 at LP Primary school, I remember this story very vivid because it very traumatising for a young child. As a child I was natural Introverts very bright buy very shy, I was mostly around my mom all the time I didn’t have many friends as we use to move a lot. This teacher I will never forget her she would ask us to write answerers on the board and she always targeted me and up till this day I still don’t know why anyway I was this tiny keep who skip a grade so I was the youngest in that class and I feel that might have irritated. So she would ask me to go write the answer on the board and I would completely froze she would use the duster to clean the board and hit my ears with it as she doing that she would say these nasty comments like I don’t know why they made you skip a grade course you are stupid it happened a lot until one day I decided to just stop going to school. Never told my mom about what was happening in class so my mom would dress me for school with lunch box and I will pretend like I was also walking with other kids and fall back a bit until I don’t see them, then I would sit by this big beautify tree with green grass around it, I would play with stones when am tired I would eat my lunch then fall asleep I till I see kids coming back from school I would then go home; I repeated the same thing for a week, until some woman noticed what was happening then she told my mom, what a snitch! Lol.
This story is getting depressing am sorry that was not my intentions that felt like writing my feelings today. Anyway mom decided not to go to work the following day and actually follow me around when I left for school, she found me sitting on the tree and she was so furious she use a belt to hit me, why is that black mom act first and ask question later or heat you while they asking you a question ,I mean hello why not wait for my respond then make a decision hey! So I ended up telling her what was happening at school she felt sorry for heating me then got angry again that I didn’t tell her what was happening, to cut the story short she took me to school and they was a meeting in a principal office with me, my mom , that horrible teacher and few witness from the class, the principal apologies about what was happening I was a signed to a new teacher and life was wonderful , they made me skip a grade again lol I was that brilliant.
There are a lot of stories I can tell you about but less focus on what am writing my feels today. Am 29 years old and I am feeling what Abbi Jacobson is feeling at 30 years of age as she writes I quote “I had never been in love before”. I have never been in love before myself and with my upbringings, so I’d gotten to a certain point in my adult life where I felt that maybe I wasn’t cut out for it. I’ve loved by never been in love and those relationship never got anywhere I would let them anyway. I have made myself a loner and it’s worked for me, until now suddenly I am feeling this sense of emptiness longing for this thing, this phenomenon that seem to happen to everyone else except me. I am starting to thing my heart might be made of solid rock, impenetrable. I’d probably written about later in life, a modern-day mystery, the woman who never fell in love. It would be my come back lol
Judging from my life experience and these walls that I have built and perfected over the years. I doubt I would ever fall in love, but I hoped it would happen even just once, I am a sucker for a good love story, a fated romance even my solid rock heart can’t act cold over a good love story I would cry like a baby at the end of these love films. It could be also that I am so set in my ways I also don’t know how else to be with this nonsense I have perfect over the years that I SHALL NEED NO ONE!
Love is beautiful and everyone should be able to experience it completely. One day I hope that would be my experience as well. Until then, dear handsome man please find your way to my life and let’s be ridiculously in love that everyone gets sick of it lol and write a fated romance.
Let me stop daydreaming and get back to work!
Regards,
Ms_ Mavundla